THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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