Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
