god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize
