After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
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