when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
