I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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