I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
