i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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