First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Randomize
