If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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