Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
