I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
