just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize