I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
