Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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