I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Actions speak louder than pants.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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