Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
