Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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