i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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