I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize