I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
