worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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