a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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