I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
