There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize