What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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