we're chasing vodka with high fives
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
