I'm so fucking centered right now
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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