we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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