I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Randomize
