I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
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