GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Randomize
