the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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