I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
