my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
