I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
