he wants to bone in the snuggie
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
