she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
