I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize