ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
