dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
