I am puke
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
