i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
