I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
