So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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