I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize