I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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