Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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