I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
did i walk over a car last night?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
