Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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