Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
