sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
