I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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