What did I eat last night that was bloody?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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