i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
