I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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