Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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