i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
