i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize