if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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