I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Randomize
