I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
